CW: acemisia (of course), suicide, rape, pedophilia mention, Pulse shooting mention
Hello, dear readers! Welcome to my entry on things you didn’t know were acemisic. This is going to be a long one, so bear with me.
First off, a definition: acemisia is discrimination against, oppression of, and/or hatred of asexual people. You may have heard “aphobia” floating around, but that’s a term used for discrimination against, oppression of, and/or hatred of both asexual and aromantic people. And as you probably know, I use -misia suffixes because I don’t like how the “-phobia” suffix medicalizes discrimination.
I’m going to be covering a lot of ground here, so I’m going to divide this entry into sections. And like I said, this is going to be chonker of an entry, so let’s get going.
Invalidation: Doubting the validity/realness of aspec identities and/or invalidating the experiences of aspec people
- Invalidating asexuality, including demisexuality. Statements like “that’s not a thing/that’s not real/asexuals aren’t valid” are some common, basic, shitty types of invalidation. I’ve also seen people claim that they believe asexuality is real but they doubt the validity of gray-asexual identities like demisexuality. This is also acemisic.
- Saying asexuals don’t have any real problems. Invalidation, ironically, is a real problem. So are social ostracization (including from friends and family), a higher suicide rate than zedcishets (and, interestingly, higher than monosexual gay people but not higher than multisexual people), and corrective rape. Singlism is also a serious problem for those of us who aren’t in committed partnerships due to discrimination or other asexuality-related reasons.
- Saying sex-favorable/sexually active asexuals are not really asexual. BreadTuber Natalie Wynn, a.k.a., Contrapoints, is a prominent content creator and has a huge following in the queer community. She recently tweeted that “Gen Z people are hard to figure out. They’re like ‘I’m an asexual slut that loves sex!’” Hi, Natalie, I’m a gray-asexual woman with a history of borderline personality disorder-related hypersexuality—so yeah, slutty, if I choose to reclaim that term—who absolutely enjoys sex with my wife. And that doesn’t fucking change that I’m gray-asexual. (I’m also a Millennial, not Gen Z. But I still wanted to point out that people who experience little to no sexual attraction, i.e., are aspec, can be sexually active people and/or enjoy sex. And that saying we can’t is acemisic.)
- Saying sex-repulsed asexuals are not really asexual. My parents were fond of this one. My ex-mother described repulsion as being “like a little kid,” i.e., someone who was just immature. I don’t know why some zedsexual people think that being sex-repulsed means you can’t be asexual because…you don’t understand sex, I guess? I really don’t get this one. But I’ve heard it, and it’s acemisic.
- Erasing asexual history, especially prior to the establishment of AVEN. Asexuality has been discussed in Western concepts of sexuality since the 1970s at least. Here’s a link to some sources on asexual history: https://head-above-the-rain-and-roses.tumblr.com/post/184202424401/bi-asexual-aphostraphe-pls-give-me-1one. Asexuality isn’t “trendy” or “a Tumblr invention,” and calling it such is acemisic. (Not that there’s anything wrong with using a label coined on Tumblr, but asexuality was not coined on Tumblr.)
- Insisting to asexual women that all women are aspec and we’re just normal/attention-seeking, so there’s no point in using a label like “asexual.” This is misogynist in addition to being acemisic because it desexualizes women.
- “You haven’t met the right person/You’re a late bloomer,” or any statements that suggest that the asexual label is invalid because it might change. One, asexuality is no more likely to change than any other sexual orientation. Two, if it does change, so the fuck what? Sexuality is fluid. No label is invalid because someone might change their mind about it later.
- “You’re just gay and have internalized homophobia.” So, uh…plenty of asexuals are gay, myself included (polyromantic). It’s also incredibly unlikely that a zedsexual queer person would settle on the asexual label due to internalized whatever-misia; this one is related to “asexuals don’t have any real problems” because it stems from a belief that people identify as asexual to avoid queermisia. I think it should be apparent right now that that doesn’t make any fucking sense because asexuals experience queermisia.
Zedsexism: The belief that being zedsexual is the best and/or only way to be
- Saying “sex is what makes us human.” I seriously don’t fucking understand why this one is so common. Many, MANY non-human animals fuck. Sexual reproduction evolved two billion years ago. As funny as it is to snark back at this with “I know it—I’M A GOD” or “oh, well, that makes sense, seeing as I’m a level five elven ranger” or what have you, it’s still dehumanizing and acemisic.
- Blanket statements about how everyone likes sex/has sex/experiences sexual attraction. I think this one would be fairly self-explanatory in terms of why it’s acemisic. While it isn’t true that all asexuals dislike sex and are celibate, many of us are sex-repulsed and/or celibate due to our asexuality, and statements like “everyone loves sex!” erase those people. Also, “everyone experiences sexual attraction” is simply not true.
- Telling asexuals that we don’t know what we’re missing. In the words of Captain Malcolm Reynolds, “Can’t miss somewhere you’ve never been.” Seriously, though, no matter how much you like any particular thing—chocolate, alcohol, sex, whatever—it’s pushy and rude to try to force other people who have no interest in in to like it too. And in the case of asexual people, telling us we don’t know what we’re missing is acemisic, not to mention some asexual people have and even enjoy sex.
- Insisting that you can change/”fix” us. This one isn’t just acemisic, it’s sexual harassment, full stop. Not only do we not need to be “fixed”—we’re not broken; even caedsexual people aren’t broken—being exposed to sex isn’t going to change who we are. I don’t care how proud you are of your genitals or your “skills as a lover” (yes, I’ve heard this one) or what the fuck have you, you can’t make us zedsexual and you shouldn’t want to.
- “You should see a doctor/You should get your hormone levels checked/etc.” Okay, yes, asexuality can result from trauma or illness; that’s called being caedsexual. But whether a person’s asexuality is a result of a health condition or not is none of your fucking business, and if the person you’re talking to is happy being asexual, the reason why they’re asexual is immaterial. All asexuality is valid.
Denying the Queerness of Asexual People
- Claiming that asexuality isn’t LGBTQIAP+. The full acronym is not “LGBT.” If you want to include a “+” instead of using the full acronym, fine, but use the damn plus. Saying the “full acronym [is] LGBT,” as some acemisic people do, erases intersex, aromantic, agender, pansexual, and questioning people, as well as people whose only label is “queer.” With that out of the way, the “A” stands for “asexual, aromantic, [or] agender.” (No, it doesn’t stand for “ally.” And if you want to whine about how “ally” should be part of the community because that way people who aren’t out yet can be part of the community, please consider that being closeted doesn’t change who a person really is and they don’t need that “A” for “ally” in order to be part of the community, and then consider shutting up.)
- Claiming that asexuality isn’t queer. Asexuality is also inherently queer in addition to being part of the LGBTQIAP+ acronym. It’s not a “modifier” or a lack of sexuality. It’s its own sexuality. Cisgender heteroromantic asexual people can ID as queer if they want to because they are not heterosexual, they are asexual; they are not zedcishet. Anyone who isn’t zedcishet can be queer.
- Saying queerness is inherently sexual. I saw someone unironically say this on Twitter THIS WEEK. I think it’s pretty obvious that this statement erases the queerness of asexual people, but apparently, not everyone understands that. Or they’re okay with erasing the queerness of asexual people, in which case they can get bent.
- Calling asexual people “straight invaders” or saying we’re stealing resources from REAL queer people. First of all, fuck the term “straight invaders;” straight people can be queer. Heteroromantic asexual people, aromantic heterosexual people, straight intersex people, and straight trans people are all queer. Also, the “stealing resources” thing is bullshit because 1) we need those resources because we’re uh FUCKING QUEER and 2) support for queer people isn’t a g-ddamn pie with a limited number of slices. I once lost several friends from college because they believed that it was a problem that asexual people (who, I must reiterate, die by suicide at a higher rate than monosexual gay people) could receive support from The Trevor Project. Yes, these “friends” of mine really thought this.
- Claiming that asexuality and/or the idea of being varioriented is “harmful to young queers.” As I mentioned in my last entry, this is another line that several ex-friends of mine believed. For whatever fucking reason, these acemisics believe the aforementioned “asexuals are just gay and can’t admit it” line and that asexual people should shut up and go away lest we lead those precious baby zedsexual queers astray. As if the idea of someone changing their label makes their original label “harmful.” The fuck. And I’ve also already written about why the fact that some people are varioriented is not a harmful concept: https://thatweirdacewoman.wordpress.com/2022/03/21/the-split-attraction-model-and-why-its-not-harmful/
Other
- Using the term “discourse” to refer to verbal or online acemisia. It’s not “discourse.” It’s fucking bigotry. Calling it “discourse” minimizes the reality and harm of it.
- Claiming that asexual representation in media is ceding ground to purity culture. This is another one I saw on Twitter recently. Asexuality has fuckall to do with purity culture. Most asexual people have no problem with sex, sexuality, kink, etc. as long as it doesn’t involve us. Yes, some people refer to asexual representation in media as “wholesome,” which is also a problem because it implies that relationships with sexual attraction in media can’t be wholesome and that asexuality is more “pure.” This is acemisic because, like I just said, asexuality in reality has fuckall to do with purity culture. I mean, some of us write the filthiest, kinkiest fanfiction you can find. (I’m still not telling you my AO3 handle.)
- Asking invasive questions about our sex lives/genitalia/masturbation habits. I feel like this one should be self-explanatory, but we get it anyway, especially questions about whether or not asexual people masturbate. Question for people who ask this: WHY DO YOU NEED TO KNOW? How is it any of your fucking business? If you wouldn’t ask a random zedcishet person about their sex lives, genitalia, or masturbation habits, don’t ask an asexual person those questions either.
- Telling asexual people that we’re just Autistic. Yeah, I’m Autistic and asexual, but this is still acemisic and autmisic because it pathologizes asexuality and desexualizes Autistic people. Autistic people do tend to be, on the whole, queerer than the allistic population, but not all asexual people are Autistic and not all Autistic people are asexual.
- Calling all asexuals “homophobic” because AVEN has a bad reputation. I won’t try to refute the fact that there’s a lot of homomisia on AVEN because I haven’t even visited the site in over a decade, but seriously, one site or organization run by people of a particular queer identity is not representative of everyone with that identity. For example, I went to Smith College, which is legendary for being supportive of students with queer sexualities. However, the posts a friend and I made on the college’s student forum, The Daily Jolt, about forming an asexuals and allies club invariably got us acemisic comments like “Do you even go to Smith!?” and “Yeah, let’s form an asexuals club! And a metrosexuals club for all the straight guys who wander onto campus!” Those comments hurt like fuck, and it was realy tempting to say that Smith as a whole was acemisic. But I would have been just as wrong to say that all Smithies are acemisic as I would to say all asexual people are homomisic. (Not to mention some Smithies are ace—hi—and some asexual people are gay—also hi.)
- Claiming that wanting alcohol-free or minor-accessible queer spaces is “homophobic” because asexual people like the idea of queer cafes/bookstores. This is a weird one, so bear with me. It mostly happens online, but before you slag off online bigotry as “just online, not real,” keep in mind that there are real people engaging in this shit and real people being hurt by it. Anyway, what I saw happen was that pre-2015, it was pretty universally accepted in the queer community that the fact that most queer spaces were alcohol-centric, not accessible to minors, and often not disability-accessible sucked. Queer cafes, bookstores, or other spaces were considered great ideas. And then around 2015, asexual people started being more vocal about how queer spaces that were less alcohol-centric, accessible to minors, disability-accessible, and less focused on finding one-night stands would be awesome…and BAM suddenly it was “homophobic” to even imply that gay bars aren’t accessible to all queer people. This shit lasted for about five years and still comes up occasionally. “Queer cafe discourse” isn’t inherently acemisic, of course, but there’s a lot of acemisia in its history.
- Using “asexual” as a synonym for “ugly” or “unflattering.” I read a lot and have frequently seen clothing or other items described as “asexual” when the author meant “unpleasant to look at” or “modest.” Asexual people aren’t ugly and we don’t all dress like nuns. We can even be sexy. In any case, it’s weird to use a sexual orientation label to describe something other than a person with that orientation.
- Referring to queerbaiting by calling the canon relationship between the characters you shipped as “asexual,” e.g., “their canon relationship is an asexual bromance.” Asexuality has fuckall to do with queerbaiting, and this kind of rhetoric reduces asexual gay people to “gay lite”/”not REAL gays,” and that’s acemisic.
- Insisting that all asexuals are aromantic because you don’t believe people can be varioriented. Similarly, insisting that all asexuals are panromantic because you think that someone who is asexual must be romantically attracted to all genders because physicality isn’t an issue. Both of these are…well, flat wrong. Asexual people can be aro or panro, sure, but we can also be a swath of other romantic orientations, and insisting that that isn’t true is invalidating the experiences of asexual people.
- Pretending to be asexual on social media and spewing horrible takes to make asexual people look bad. I recently saw a post on Twitter accusing people who wrote or roleplayed short adult characters as “minor coding” their characters, which is a slippery slope to pedophilia. The post was made by a zedsexual jackass who put “asexual” in their bio to get people to think that asexual people really do think bullshit like “female characters under 5’7” are minor-coded.” After the Pulse shooting, I even saw several zedsexual people engaged in an acemisic psyop by claiming to be asexual and that the people who were killed in the shooting deserved it for “dancing and being allosexual.” This is so beyond reprefuckinghensible I don’t even have words for it. Don’t do this.
Like I said, a chonker of an entry. If you’re still here, I hope you learned something. Go forth and be not acemisic, and please call out these types of acemisia when you see them.
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